She's Breathing In Some Nicotine (so_jayded) wrote,
She's Breathing In Some Nicotine

[Hanson] Fuck-Up (1/2)

Title: Fuck Up
Authors: heart_iswild & so_jayded
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 15,000 (YES THAT'S RIGHT)
Genre: Hancest
Warnings: Self-injury, incest, blah blah blah
Notes: This is not chaptered. No, seriously, it's not. The post was just too big for LJ so we had to split it into two parts. :( That's never happened to me before.

Taylor didn't really hear insults anymore. Well, when they were directed at him, anyway. After being the most recognized member of Hanson for the last 10 years, he was pretty much used to being called every patronizing, horrible, inexcusable name in the book.

It used to affect him. A lot, if he were at all honest with himself.

Which he never was.

But here, at this stupid, dark venue in the middle of some random town in New Jersey, Taylor couldn't shake the chill that prickled his flesh at the sound of an insult. A slew of insults, actually. Because they weren't directed at him. They were directed at his little brother, who was standing 10 feet away and could probably hear every word.

Taylor gritted his teeth and tried to ignore it, looking away from the jackass across from him who couldn't keep his mouth shut. He glanced back at Zac, who was standing to the side of him. He'd been talking happily with a girl, a fan he'd just met and she wasn't too crazy. It would be good for him, Taylor had figured, to meet someone who wasn't Kate. Since she'd decided they needed to 'take a break', Zac had been in a funk, telling himself he was worthless. And here this jerk was, validating all of that.

Zac's whole demeanor had changed - instead of smiling, talking loudly with her, his hands were stuffed in his pockets and his head was bent a little. His shoulders had slumped and he was obviously getting upset, but he didn't want to show it. Taylor wanted to punch the jackass in the mouth. Hard. More than once.

"Don't get upset, Pretty. I'll fuck you too if you like," the security guard whose name tag read 'Steve' said from behind the bar.

"Shut up," Taylor replied. He was seething mad inside, and his fingernails were starting to dig into the calloused flesh of his palms.

"What was that, Pretty? You'd better watch your mouth kid. Or your brother over here," he nodded in Zac's direction, causing Zac to dip his head down shamefully, "is gonna be mine tonight." Steve chucked Zac on the chin from across the bar, but his intention was not to be playful. He was demeaning and intimidating, and it was disgusting Taylor to watch his little brother take the heat. He didn't deserve that.

"Don't fucking touch him."

"Tay, it's fine," Zac said softly, his eyes still on the ground as the girl he'd be talking to muttered something about him being a wimp and walked away.

"No, it's not fine." Taylor stood up and walked the ten feet over to Steve. He might have been bigger than him, but Taylor was taller and looking down on people, he'd found over the years, made a big difference when it came to intimidation.

"Stay the fuck away from my brother," he told him, ordered him, really. "If you so much as touch him again, I'll rip your fucking balls off."

Steve chuckled a little and Taylor reached forward, grabbing his collar and dragging him up off his barstool. "I'm not joking, asshole."

Steve actually looked a little surprised when he was unable to remove Taylor's fist from his shirt. Steve's putrid breath alone was enough to make Taylor want to run far in the other direction, but this was his job. It had to be in the big brother hand book somewhere that thou shalt reserve the right to kick an ass if he doth insult a younger brother.

"Tay, chill out." Taylor felt strong, but thin fingers grasping his shoulder. His eyes still narrowed, he let go of Steve, emitting a low, dangerous growl as he did so. Ike had no right to stop him from punching Steve in the face. Zac was his younger brother, too.

Taylor shook his head at Isaac, a silent disapproval at him interrupting Steve's potential ass-kicking, and took the three steps to Zac's side. "You okay?" he asked, wrapping an arm around Zac's shoulders and moving him away from the bar, away from Steve, and away from Isaac, too. If Isaac didn't want to be a big brother, Taylor would just have to do the job for both of them. "I'm sorry, Zac."

"It's no big deal," Zac shrugged, his eyes still on the floor. But Taylor wasn't stupid. He'd been there before. He knew how much it fucking hurt when people said stupid things. Especially things about sex or sexuality, like Steve had been doing. It was immasculating and humiliating, especially in front of strangers.

"It is a big deal, you don't need to act tough." Taylor sighed and rubbed Zac's back a little, frowning when he felt it hunch further. He was obviously thinking about what Steve had said, and his words were still stinging them both.

"I'm an adult, Tay," he said softly, looking down at his hands. "I should be able to take care of myself."

Taylor squeezed him a little harder. "You don't have to, though," he said. "You've got me, still. I don't care how old you are." He offered Zac a little smile. "I'll always be here to watch your back and fuck up the creeps that try to get to you."

He offered Taylor a tiny smile and Taylor's heart jumped at that, that he was maybe making Zac's hurt disappear. "You're such a dad sometimes, Taylor," he mumbled. Even Taylor had to laugh at that. It was true. It wasn't his fault Zac needed looking after sometimes.

"Just trying to be a good brother and best friend," Taylor told him, pinching his shoulder. "No need to call me an old man over it."

Zac smiled and leaned into Taylor's body. With the hotel within walking distance and the night coming to a close, he decided maybe he'd feel better if he took a walk.

"Tay, I'm gonna go take a walk around." Zac instantly saw the worry in his brother's eyes and offered a small smile. "Just to clear my head. I'm fine, I swear." He waited a moment before adding, "You can come with me if you'd like. For a smoke or something."

As much as Zac absolutely hated that Taylor smoked, his presence was still really, really comforting to him at that moment and it would be nice if he would accompany him.

"Sure," Taylor offered, calling back to Isaac and Natalie that they'd meet up with them later before walking out of the venue, arm still around Zac's shoulders.

Taylor pulled his half-spent pack out of his pocket as they walked out of the door. He'd lit up before they got more than fifteen feet away and he sighed in content, as he squeezed Zac's shoulders and took a deep, long drag. "Are you sure you're okay?" Taylor asked after a few seconds. "Because... You shouldn't listen to people like that, Zac. You're. You're an amazing person. I wish I were like you."

Zac sighed and shook his head. "Why would you want to be like me?" He shoved his hands further into his pockets and sighed. "I'm a fuck-up."

"You are not a fuck up." Taylor took a long drag of his cigarette, watching the smoke swirl around his head as he exhaled a few seconds later.

Zac rolled his eyes. "I am a fuck up. I am stupid and I let all of this...this crap, this absolute fucking shit get to me to the point where I was-" He stopped then. He never talked about what had happened earlier in the year. No one did who knew about it. It was the people who didn't know, who talked about it.

"Listen to me," Taylor said, putting his cigarette out on his forearm. It used to make him wince, but he was used to it now. It was better to feel the sting of fire, something that was physically detrimental, than to let the sting of words and memories coerse through his veins. "What you did doesn't make you a fuck up. It makes you human."

"It makes me inhuman, Taylor." Zac's voice cracked when he said Taylor's name. He'd never spoken to anyone about his overdose before. Not even his brother.

Taylor shook his head. "No. You were overwhelmed." Zac got overwhelmed a lot, especially with all the shit that was happening with Kate, and the tour right in the middle of it - earlier in the year it had been the record, the stress of everything just got to him so much. Taylor felt bad for him, he really did, and he understood because he felt that way, too. He just dealt with it a different way, throwing himself into music and his family and trying so hard to make everything around him perfect.

"That's not an excuse for trying to. For." Zac couldn't say it, he really couldn't. He hated even thinking about it. It made him feel like such a failure. It was why Kate didn't want anything to do with him anymore, it was why he'd never be able to find anyone who would. He was damaged goods now, and no one wanted that.

"No, it's not an excuse." Taylor placed one hand on Zac's shoulder and used his other to gently lift his chin. "I wouldn't be able to live with myself if anything happened to you, Zac. Nobody would. Trying to. " He paused, making sure to keep his eyes on Zac as he composed his thoughts. "Trying to kill yourself is never the right way to deal with stress or heartache or anything. I understand what you were. Are going through, and I need you to always let me know when things are bothering you. Okay?" He touched his hand to Zac's cheek now, which was burning in the cool night air. Nothing had ever looked more precious to Taylor than his younger brother did right then. Nothing was as sacred.

"Okay," Zac agreed softly. "But there's always something bothering me, Tay."

Taylor's heart hurt a little, hearing him say that. He gave Zac a squeeze and kissed the top of his head. "Talk to me about them."

"I. Why doesn't anyone want to be with me anymore?" he asked, looking at Taylor so heartbreakingly sad that Taylor felt like he was the dumped one. "Why am I. I'm just so. Screwed up."

Taylor frowned and squeezed him again. "I don't know, Zac." He sighed. "Maybe it's because you're such a good guy. You're. Genuine, you know? And there's that saying..."

Zac looked up at him, curious.

"Nice guys finish last?" Taylor supplied. He let go of Zac's face and sat down on the decrepit bench that stood a few feet from where they were. Zac followed in suit, feeling smaller than Taylor as he leaned against his side, which was utterly ridiculous because he was quite obviously larger than his brother.

Physically, at least.

He sighed contentedly as Taylor wrapped his arm around Zac's shoulders again before lighting up another cigarette. "You'll find someone. Someone who deserves you and appreciates you. I promise."

Zac didn't see the point in arguing anymore. Taylor was firmly convinced that there was someone out there that was perfect for everyone and that eventually you'd run across each other and somehow make everything work out. Zac had asked him, shortly before he got married, if Natalie was his. Taylor had just smiled and shook his head, telling Zac that he loved her just the same and didn't mind so much spending part of his life with her. Until he found whoever he was looking for.

Zac had always thought it was unfair that Taylor got to have a wonderful marriage and three beautiful children with a woman who he didn't plan to spend the rest of his life with. Who he knew, before his marriage started, that he was going to end up leaving. And Zac had found the girl he loved more than any other and she'd left him. Before he even got a chance, really, to share his life with her.

He wanted to resent Taylor for that, but he couldn't. Not when Taylor was so convinced that there was happiness for him, out there. Not many people believed that about Zac. He saw it in their eyes, heard it in the way they talked to him. They thought he was going to be miserable and alone forever.

And maybe he was conceited for thinking that people actually cared enough about him to consider his romantic future. That was what had really led him to take all of those pills, after all. It was hard to believe that people cared about him because they always looked at Taylor and wanted to talk to him. Not that he was resentful or bitter. He loved Taylor more than he loved anybody in the world.

More than he probably should have.

He was never sure if the love he felt for his older brother was some extreme form of admiration, or jealousy, or brotherly always just was. And as long as he lived, he swore he'd never admit it to anybody. Because then he'd surely have to off himself.

Taylor leaned his head against Zac's shoulder. "I want you to be happy, Zac. Seriously. You'll find her some day and then you won't have to worry so much about everything. You'll. Well, you'll have the rest of your soul there with you."

Zac gave Taylor a little smile. "How are you so happy, then?" he asked. "If you don't have your soul mate?"

"They'll come around," Taylor told him, smoothing Zac's hair away from his forehead. "And when they do, I'll be ready. And I'm not going to let them pass by, you know? I'm going to do everything I can to be with them."

"And Natalie?"

"If she loves me as much as she claims to, she'll understand." Zac was wary of his brother's skewed theories on love and life. He wasn't quite sure how Taylor was always so sure of everyone, because he was wrong about lots of things involving people. He had never been a good people reader, but he thought he was, which was his greatest flaw. And Zac couldn't understand how after all these years of misjudging people, he was still able to make judgments at all.

"Does a soul mate have to be like...a mate in the romantic sense?" Zac leaned his head on top of Taylor's, his eyes roving over the small cigarette burns in his forearm. "Because, in Australia for instance, mates are just friends."

"Well..." Taylor shrugged. "I'd want to be... with my soulmate in every way possible, you know? To share our whole lives, everything. I wouldn't. I mean. It would be different with them. It's not about romance, it's about being two parts of a whole that finally get to come together. I couldn't imagine. I mean. It could be anyone and I'd be willing to be with them completely if they were the rest of my soul, Zac. You know?"

Zac reached out and brushed his hand across the raised flesh of Taylor's burns. Taylor shivered a little under his touch. "And you've never met anyone like that before?"

Taylor shrugged. "I. I just hope I didn't miss them, you know? Or that they aren't someone I. Wouldn't suspect."

Zac nodded, fighting the urge to say something pseudo-witty about looking under his nose. "So by every way possible, you mean..."

"Yes, I'd like to be able to make love to my soul mate. Whoever they might be."

Zac was a little confused. "You keep saying 'they' instead of 'she'. Why?"

Taylor sighed, nuzzling his head against his brother's neck innocently. "Because I don't care if it's a boy or a girl, Zac. Finding my soul mate is has nothing to do with gender or race or anything like that. It could be anyone. I was just hoping I'd know it, you know, like there'd be a sign or something. But I guess that'd be too easy." He chuckled a little, shivering again at the sensation of Zac's fingertips on the sensitive scar tissue.

"I wish you wouldn't hurt yourself," Zac whispered.

Taylor almost laughed outright, but he smothered it just in time. "Funny coming from you. I wish you wouldn't hurt yourself. I love you."

"I love you, too," Zac replied. And he meant it.

Moments like these didn't come around often, but when they did, they made Zac uncomfortable. It was like Taylor was teasing him, making him tense and leaving him feeling like he might do something he didn't want to do. Like kiss him, for instance.

"And I don't do it to hurt myself," Taylor lied, lifting his head from Zac's shoulder. "I don't need to hurt myself. I'm happy."

"Oh, so your arm is just a convenient spot to put out your cigarettes?" Zac raised his eyebrow, his eyes scanning over Taylor's face.

"We're talking about making you happy, not me. Just drop it."

"It's hard to drop it when you're. Trying to tell me you're happy and that you've got all these plans but you're burning yourself. I'm not stupid, Tay," Zac protested reaching forward and rubbing his fingers across Taylor's cheekbones.

"I'm not perfectly happy, no," he admitted. "But I have a good life. I can't complain about that, not really."

"You never complain," Zac pointed out, moving his fingers back to Taylor's forearm. "Maybe you should take some of you own advice, hm?"

The two boys sat in silence for a while, Zac staring at Taylor while Taylor stared at the stars.

"How do you stay so optimistic?" Zac asked when the silence grew uncomfortable for him. "I mean, do you truly believe everything you talk about? About destiny and soul mates and fate?"

He felt badly for questioning Taylor the second he saw his eyes, which were so hopeful and sure and alive. "I have to," Taylor told him, looking into his eyes seriously for a moment before returning his attention to the sky. "I would've killed myself a long time ago if I didn't."

Zac was silent after that again, staring down at Taylor's forearm, littered with scars. He'd never thought, even through all the years of watching Taylor hurt himself, that he'd want to kill himself, like Zac had. That everything was just as overwhelming for Taylor sometimes. He got it a lot easier than Zac did, even if the world did have a vendetta against him. Taylor just brushed stuff like that off. Zac couldn't, he couldn't because the only time people paid attention to him it was to say horrible things. He was fat. His nose was weird. His voice would never be as good as Taylor's.

"What happens if you never find him or her, then?" Zac asked. His voice was weak and he didn't want to say the things that were tumbling out of his lips, but he did, anyway. "What if he or she has been under your nose this whole time and you just didn't... consider them?"

"Under my nose, huh?" Taylor chuckled, letting his arm rest on the beck of the bench behind Zac's shoulders. "Well, I guess that could be my tragic flaw. It's certainly possible that I'm totally ignorant and have been searching needlessly; I just like to think that I haven't found them yet." He turned his head to face Zac. "It would kill me to find out that I'd already found the one and looked over them."

Zac nodded. It was hard for him to understand how Taylor lived in his own little dream world for his entire life. It scared him, because the way Taylor was explaining it made it seem as though he wouldn't be able to survive if his head wasn't in the clouds. He hoped that whenever Taylor got a sharp dose of reality, he'd come running to Zac instead of doing something drastic. He hoped that his overdose had taught Taylor how much it sucked to be waiting to hear if someone you loved wasn't going to make it.

"But you know it's not Natalie?"

He shook his head. "Not even close. I still feel... sort of empty, when I'm with her. Like something very important is missing."

"Has anybody ever come close?" Zac asked. His hands were shaking in his lap because he just wanted Taylor to say Yeah, Zac. You. but he knew that he was going to. He knew it.

Taylor was quiet for a few minutes, thinking as he dragged on another cigarette. "Maybe someone, yeah."

"Some girl from a show, or something?"

Taylor shook his head, chuckling a little as he stared at the glowing head of his clove. "Nah. Some of them have been sweet, but it would just be another Natalie. Someone to keep me busy until I found the real one."

"So who came close? Was it...a guy?" Zac felt silly for getting his hopes up, but he couldn't help it. If it was a guy, then maybe...

"Yeah," Taylor answered simply, blowing smoke out through his nose. Zac thought he sort of resembled a bull when he did that, but he figured now was not the time to point that out.

"Are you..." Zac began, looking down between them when Taylor cross his legs and his foot bumped Zac's ankle, "are you gay?"

A soft chuckle escaped the older man's lips at the question. It wasn't a gleeful laugh though. It sounded sort of like an exhausted one, maybe even an experienced one, if there was such a thing.

"I'm not anything."

"What is that even supposed to mean?" Zac asked, incredulously staring at Taylor for a few seconds before looking away.

"It means I don't have a preference for anything. I don't. I'm not attracted to people, I'm attracted to how people act, what they're like... if our interests are the same, that sort of thing."

"So you don't think anyone is hot, or anything?" Zac knew that Taylor'd commented on people before, and this was just weird.

Taylor shrugged. "In the traditional sense, I guess I understand what an attractive person looks like. But for me... I don't care. It's not important. The mental connection, just. Finding someone who means more to you than a piece of meat you can fuck is so much more important. I could live without sex if it meant I could have a fulfulling relationship with someone."

Zac laughed a little at that. Taylor was something else, that was for sure. "You're insane, Tay."


"I don't know, you're so just...different." Taylor shrugged, ashing his clove and watching the sparks die in the grass below them. "You're a very layered individual."

"Like an onion?" And Zac had to laugh, loudly, because Taylor was just so ridiculous and adorable sometimes, and it was hard to believe that he could go from having a deep life discussion to talking about his resemblance to vegetables.

"Sure, like an onion."

Taylor chuckled again, leaning over and resting his head against Zac. "Sorry. Been watching Shrek with the kids a lot."

"Sounds like it," Zac agreed, wrapping an arm around Taylor and sighing happily. "I love you."

"I love you, too," Taylor replied. He ashed again and took another drag, long and deep, with his eyes closed and his face pointed up at the sky. Zac wanted to kiss him again, in that moment, but he didn't. Taylor wasn't one to pull punches. He'd look Zac in the eye and tell him he wasn't the one, and that would hurt more than anything else anyone had ever thrown at him.

"I love to pick your brain," Taylor told Zac, flicking him on his temple lightly.

"Is my brain attractive to you?" Zac asked, partially kidding.

"Quite." And Taylor wasn't kidding. Zac could see it in his eyes. "It's beautiful. Complex."

Zac took in a breath and it took effort around how much his whole body felt like shaking. Taylor had just called him attractive. Beautiful. All the things he ever wanted to hear out of Taylor's mouth. But he couldn't stop shaking, and that was probably bad. Taylor would probably think he was weird or something, or offended, or grossed out. Zac wasn't any of those things. He wanted to kiss him, he wanted to be the other half of Taylor's soul, for Christ's sake.

Maybe he would. It wouldn't take much to lean forward and press their lips together, but he wasn't sure if he could, if he had the guts to do it. When Taylor's arm moved from the bench to his shoulder, he had to look at him. Their faces were close and Taylor's expression was concerned.

"Are you okay? Do you feel sick?" He squeezed Zac's shoulder gently. "You're shaking."

"I. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize."

Zac shook his head and leaned their foreheads together. "Taylor. I. Want to do something ridiculously stupid. And I don't want you to hate me for it, okay?"

Taylor's fingers clutched Zac's shoulder harder. "Please don't. Don't you dare try again, Zac. I'll. I won't know what to do without you."

Zac almost wanted to roll his eyes, because that was so not what he meant by something stupid. But he didn't. Instead, he closed his eyes, wet his lips with the little saliva he had left in his mouth, and pressed his mouth to Taylor's.

It barely lasted three seconds, but it was enough for Zac to realize that he'd never be able to live without it. Taylor pulled away, taking in a shaky breath and looking at Zac so curiously, like he didn't know what was going on in his head. But it wasn't a mean look, nothing angry or hateful or even sad, like he was going to tell Zac something Taylor knew would set Zac off. He just squeezed Zac closer and kept breathing. His cigarette had dropped to the ground sometime during the kiss and Zac noticed he'd put it out. Maybe by accident, but Taylor's boot was crushing the end of it.

"Well." Was all Taylor said. He offered Zac a small, reassuring smile, before reaching into his pocket to pull out another clove. He lit it up and leaned back against the bench again, a complacent expression lingering on his features. Zac was utterly confused- so much so that he thought his heart might explode if Taylor didn't do something to let him know how he was feeling. "You think it's time to go back to the hotel yet?"

Zac leaned his head down, ashamed completely. He was just going to ignore it like it was something he didn't want to deal with, like some fan that said something stupid to him or something. All he wanted was a reaction. He really wanted a good one, but he'd take a bad one if it meant he knew what was going on in Taylor's head. He didn't. He didn't have a clue. "You can go," Zac whispered. "I'm going to stay here for a while, I think."

"No," Taylor said, blowing the smoke from his mouth in a steady line. "You're misunderstanding me. I want to go back to the hotel and have you stay with me, in my room. If that's alright."

Now Zac was really confused. Taylor wanted Zac to stay with him? As in, in his bed?!

"What? I don't think I understand."

"Do you want to stay the night in my room?" Taylor asked, flicking his cigarette.

"I-but-" Zac stuttered, "Natalie?"

"-Can stay in your room for the night."

"I don't think she's going to take to that very well," Zac said, probably more loudly than he should have. But this wasn't realistic. He'd been expecting a fist to the face, not an invitiation into Taylor's bed. "Getting kicked out of her bed for her husband's brother."

"She'll deal with it," he told Zac. "Please. Do you want to come?" He took the last drag of his cigarette and stomped it out on the ground. "I'll tell her you're feeling upset about what happened. It's not an issue."

Zac took Taylor's hand when it was offered to him and stood up, still extraordinarily confused. "I. Yeah, I mean. I'll stay." His voice wavered a little because he really had no idea why Taylor wanted him to spend the night in his bed.

They walked quietly back to the hotel. It was only a fifteen minute walk, but the silence made it feel like it took a lot longer for Zac. Taylor seemed not to notice, of course. When they got back, Taylor left Zac outside the door and went in, telling him to wait down the hall a bit. Zac figured it was so he wouldn't hear them screaming. He did as he was told, though, and Taylor disappeared behind the door.

"I need you to leave," he told Natalie, holding out the keycard he'd gotten from Zac. "For the night."

"Is everything alright?" She asked, her tone skeptical.

"Yeah, Zac's upset and I told him he could stay with me."

"Honey, he's a big boy. Don't you think he's a little old to be sleeping with his brother?"

"Natalie," Taylor said, shaking his head. Natalie knew that look - the one that meant the conversation was over. She took they key card from her husband and left the room without another word, leaving the door open for Zac to come in.

Zac poked his head inside and looked around, skeptically before wandering in and closing the door behind him. He was nervous, very nervous. He had no idea if Taylor just wanted to comfort him or if he had intentions of some sort. Taylor was never the type for casual sex, though, and Zac didn't think that was it. If it was going to be anything, it was going to be pity, and he wasn't exactly prepared for that. It wasn't something he wanted to say yes to, but he didn't know if he'd be able to say no.

"She just left - just like that? She was okay with me being in here?"

Taylor shrugged, sitting on the bed and untying his shoes. "It's not really her decision." He toed them off and laid back against the crisp hotel pillows, placing his hands behind his head and staring up at the ceiling.

Zac's palms were sweating as he shifted awkwardly from side to side. He just didn't fucking get it. "Tay. I. Um, what exactly am I doing here?"

Taylor turned his head and patted the empty space next to him. "Come sit."

Zac sat down next to him on the bedspread gingerly, watching Taylor's face very carefully and wanting to cry a little. He didn't know what was expected of him and he was frustrated, absolutely insane just sitting there, waiting for Taylor to say something significant and lead him in the right direction.

Taylor reached foward and rested his hand on Zac's leg, drumming a little rhythm on his thigh and sighing to himself. He was tired, but happy, and he just wanted to stay like that for a while. Zac, on the other hand, was trying so hard not to shake from the feeling of Taylor's fingers on his thigh, creeping higher and higher and he couldn't tell if it was subconscious or not. "Taylor? What's going on?"

Taylor sighed, turning his head to the side and smiling gently at his little brother. "Nothing's going on. We're just laying. Did you want to do something more?" Taylor's gaze was enticing, and if Zac looked closely, he could see that his eyes were hungry. For what, though, he wasn't sure.

"I..." Zac wanted to say yes, he wanted it so badly that it actually hurt, but he couldn't say a word with Taylor's hand so painstakingly close to his half-hard cock. And that was just from barely being touched. He wanted to pull away before Taylor could feel it, could see that Zac wanted him so badly it drove him crazy. "What do you want?"

"You've brought something to my attention," Taylor said, his smile growing more mischievous by the second. His hand moved farther up, finally covering Zac's hardening dick.

"What-what's that?" Zac asked, his voice breaking. Taylor leaned his face closer to his brother's, daring Zac's eyes to stay focused on his own.

"How beautiful you are," Taylor whispered, his lips practically against Zac's ear. "How much I love you. How it's been right under my nose this whole time." His hand shifted, pressing down on Zac's erection, fisting him through his jeans as best he could and Taylor moaned a little against Zac's ear, quiet and too sexy for Zac to even process properly. "Have you ever had sex with a guy before?"

Zac shook his head, his eyes darting back and forth between Taylor's. It was hard to keep them open, but he didn't want to miss a second of this...whatever, that was happening. "Have you?"

"No," Taylor said, squeezing him again. "I've never been with another guy." He leaned his face down even more so that he could press a small kiss to Zac's lips. "Not until now, at least."

Zac pulled away, a little whimper slipping out of his lips as Taylor's fingers tightened again and he shifted his hips. "You-" he gasped a little at the sensation, wishing there wasn't two layers of material between them. "You just decided that you. Want this. In ten seconds?"

Taylor chuckled, bringing their faces back together and he ghosted his lips over Zac's, not really touching them against each other. "I told you," he whispered. "I didn't want to waste a second."

Zac swallowed hard, unable to believe what was transpiring between them. He always knew that Taylor was spontaneous, but this brought spontaneity to an entirely new, ridiculous level. "Taylor. I...I love you a lot, and everything. And I've wanted this for a long time. But I just. I don't want you to do this because you want to make me happy, or something."

Taylor laughed, moving his hand up to his brother's stomach. "Believe me, Zac. I'm not that selfless."

And Zac knew that, he really did, because Taylor didn't pity anything but children and small animals and even then, only when they were hurt. He wasn't the sort to do anything he didn't really want to do, but Zac was terrified that this wasn't going to last, that it was going to be one night and in the clear light of the morning, he'd kick Zac out of his bed and then what would Zac have? He'd lose his brother, his protector, his best friend, all at once.

He did love Taylor, he really did, but he loved him too much to ever risk losing him. He didn't know if he could believe that he was really the other half of Taylor's soul that they were literally two pieces of the same puzzle the clicked together like magic. Taylor believed in that, that people fit together like puzzle pieces and that everyone had their own perfect match. But Zac had spent his life trying to find someone who sort of fit, someone who could stand to be around him, and it was so hard to believe that Taylor's perfect match would have been him, sitting under his nose for twenty-two years, loving him without Taylor even knowing.

He didn't want to get hurt. "Tay..."

"What is it?" Zac wasn't sure if Taylor was starting to get annoyed with his hesitations or if he was just concerned.

"I just don't want to lose you. This is...I mean, this is so out of nowhere and spontaneous. How can you be sure that you won't feel differently in the morning? I mean, this is sex, Taylor. And neither of us has been with a guy before...I mean, this isn't just something to do. I've loved you forever," he let his fingers slide gently over Taylor's cheekbone as he looked up at him, "and I'd love nothing more than for this to happen. But I don't want you to regret it."

"How could I possibly regret realizing who is the other half of me?" Taylor reached down and touched Zac's face, cupped his cheeks and just watched his eyes for a little. "If you don't want to. We don't have to. I told you I could live without it. I meant it. I just need you to... be mine. Complete me. Love me with all of your heart so I can love you back just as much." Taylor took his hands away, letting his fingers slide gently off of Zac's cheeks. "I've always loved you, Zac. You've always been my best friend and just... breathtakingly beautiful to me. I just never even considered that it could be you."

"And what made you consider it?"

Taylor thought for a moment before pressing his lips to Zac's again. "When you kissed me, it all sort of just...clicked." He whispered the words against his brother's mouth so quietly that Zac wasn't sure if he was really speaking or if he was just imagining it. "I promise, if it makes you uncomfortable, we don't have to. I'm one thousand percent sure that you're it for me, Zac. But most people...I don't know, need physical contact or sex or something to realize that they are fully connected. If you want that, or need that, I'm more than happy to give it to you."

Zac did want it, he wanted it badly, but he wondered fleetingly if it would look terrible for him to sleep with Taylor before they really even had the chance to establish something. Taylor was sure. A thousand percent sure, apparently, and as much as Zac wanted that to be reassuring, it really wasn't. "Please kiss me again," he whispered, reaching up for Taylor's hair and pulling them back together, making their lips touch again and his hands were shaking as they threaded through the strands of Taylor's hair - he'd washed it recently, he noticed, and it felt so good under his fingertips.

They kissed for a while, holding each other close and whimpering against each other's lips and Zac was going crazy, listening to all the little sounds Taylor was making. He wanted to make him feel good, to prove to him that sex was something to be enjoyed, not just done to make a partner feel happy.

He rolled them over so that Taylor was on his back and moved so that he was on top of him, with one leg between both of his. It was strange for Zac to think that Taylor really did only have sex for his partner, because really, Zac loved sex. But he wasn't as...spiritual as Taylor, so he figured he'd never understand.

"I want this," Zac said between kisses, slowly moving his leg against Taylor's crotch. He wasn't surprised that Taylor wasn't hard, but it was still confusing to him. He was kissing the person who he was sure was his "other half", and they were on </i>top</i> of each other, but he wasn't sexually aroused?

"Then you can have it," Taylor replied, smiling sweetly.

"How are you not?" Zac blushed a little, not wanting to say it out loud, which was odd even to him, because he was on top of Taylor, rubbing his leg against his crotch, but he couldn't say the word 'hard'. "If you want this, how..."

Taylor blushed a little and swallowed hard. "It takes... a while," he admitted. "It. It goes faster if you talk to me."

"About what?" Zac couldn't even imagine what could possibly get Taylor hard if it wasn't contact or just knowing that you were going to be with someone you loved.

Taylor turned his face away. "I'm sorry I'm so weird," he murmured, reaching up and touching Zac's face again. "But... Here..." He turned them over so Zac was on his back and Taylor was on top of him. Taylor's lips trailed down his neck, his fingers moved over Zac's shirt and down to his stomach, dipping under his shirt before he dropped them lower, to Zac's belt, deftly undoing it and then the button right after.

Zac smiled a little when Taylor's cheeks turned red at the sight of his upright cock. At least he was getting some sort of physical reaction out of him, even if it was small.

"Wow," Taylor said, his eyes wide at what stood before him. Zac laughed a little, his body shaking with anticipation.

"What do you want me to talk to you about?" He said in almost a whisper, and hissed out the last word as Taylor wrapped his fist around his dick.

"Tell me how much you love me," was all he said. He bit on his bottom lip and the skin between his eyebrows puckered in concentration as he started to slowly jack Zac off. It did feel a bit strange to him, to be masturbating backwards, but if Zac wanted it, he wouldn't deny him. "And you want to make love to me? Or me to you? I don't have a preference."

Zac didn't feel like he could really form coherent thought just then. He wanted to say things to Taylor, tell him he didn't care who did what as long as it felt right between the two of them, or to tell him things to arouse him, but he couldn't, not with Taylor's hand wrapped around his cock. He whimpered and bucked up, precum leaking out and Taylor's cheeks turned redder.

"I- oh, God, I don't care," he managed to get out. Taylor wasn't going to pretend that it wasn't a little weird to have Zac's bare cock in his hand right then. He hadn't even seen him naked in five years, at least. And although he did mean it about Zac being the one for him, he wasn't sure how long it'd take him to get used to being sexual with him. It didn't gross him out, or anything. Zac's body was beautiful. He was just uncomfortable, because sex really wasn't his thing and he knew that he was miserable in bed.

He'd only been with Natalie a hand full of times - the first had just been because Isaac kept making fun of him for being a virgin, and the subsequent times had been at Natalie's insistance. It was strange enough for him to have initiated anything, and the idea of making love with Zac, who he wanted to be with for the rest of his life, and making a fool out of himself was unbearable. It was bad enough that he'd already shamed himself, admitted that he had trouble getting an erection, like he was just made wrong or something.

"Taylor," Zac gasped, grabbing his brother's wrist. Taylor looked up, his eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "I'm gonna..." He felt silly for emitting the word 'come', but he just couldn't get it to leave his lips.

"You don't want to?" Taylor asked, removing his hand from Zac's penis. Zac shook his head and pulled Taylor up to kiss him. He couldn't believe this was happening. It was all so ridiculous and unstable and insane. It felt like he was living in an alternate universe, or a dream world, or something, because surely this was completely illogical. He felt as if his brain were short-circuiting. It was all just...too good to be true?

"Just... not yet, okay?" Zac wanted this all to last as long as it could, in case he never got to feel it again.

Taylor nodded, blushing, and looked down at Zac's erection for a moment. "Doesn't it hurt?"

"Does it hurt you?" Zac asked, surprised.

Taylor's cheeks turned redder and he looked away. "Sometimes. When Natalie." He squeezed his eyes closed and shook his head. "It doesn't really hurt as much as it's... unpleasant."

Zac felt terrible that Taylor's sexual experiences had been bad, enough that it hurt him to do it. "Do Do you jack off?" This was such a strange question to be asking, but he really didn't know much about Taylor's sex life. And it seemed, from what he was gathering, that there wasn't much to tell.

"I-no. I mean, I have, it just doesn't feel right." Taylor was feeling really embarassed by that point. He knew it wasn't normal to have basically no sex drive. But what was he supposed to do about it? He felt completely inhuman, like something about him was just wrong and he hated that, he couldn't even look at Zac because Zac was looking at him so oddly. "I don't. Don't worry about me. I want to make you feel good."

And that was the truth, that's what he wanted more than anything. Just to make Zac feel better, like he was loved. Like he mattered to someone, because he did, he mattered to Taylor so much his heart felt like bursting. He'd always been extremely protective of Zac, mostly just because he felt compelled to do so. Because he was his older brother and he was supposed to. He'd never even considered that maybe it was because he was his soul mate.

Zac frowned, guilt overpowering his sexual arousal. "Taylor, I do not want to make you uncomfortable. We don't have to do this, okay? I'm serious." He stroked Taylor's hair away from his face and placed a kiss on his forhead. "Just tell me. Just say the word and it'll be finished, okay?"

"I want to make you feel good. I don't care what happens to me, sexually. You're aroused." Taylor looked up at him, trying to make him understand with his eyes. "I want to do this. I want to watch you lose control and feel... release... because of me. And I know it's important to you. I can tell." He leaned down and kissed Zac's lips. "Let me watch you, please."

Zac hesitated for a moment, shifting around uncomfortably on the bed. There was no doubt in his mind that he wanted this, but maybe it was unnecessary. "We don't- I mean," he felt his cheeks turn pink. "If you just want to." He did the motions with his hand. "That would be more than enough."

Taylor smiled, pecking his lips once more before moving down his body again. There was a string of precum connecting Zac's dick to his stomach, and Taylor felt bad for making him so desperate. He moved his hand back to the base of his cock and began pumping, experimentally leaning forward to lick the head when Zac's eyes closed. Just to surprise him. Zac's eyes snapped open again as he gasped, his hips jumping off the bed involuntarily. Taylor's eyes were locked on his as he did it again before leaning down further and closing his lips around the head of Zac's cock. He moaned a little - Zac couldn't tell if it was for effect or if it was really making Taylor feel good, somehow - and it made Zac's cock twitch in Taylor's mouth.

He continued to pump what he couldn't fit into his mouth, which was most of it. The taste of Zac's...juices, were actually pretty disgusting to Taylor and he wasn't quite sure how girls or gay men did this on a regular basis. The consistency was just all wrong and it was pretty obvious to him that a dick just did not belong in someone's mouth. It did make him happy to see Zac in the throes of passion, however.

"I'm gonna come," Zac warned his brother, hoping that maybe Taylor wouldn't move away. His wish wasn't granted, though, which was a little disappointing when he felt his balls grow tight and felt Taylor's mouth pop off the head of his dick. Zac moaned, looking up at Taylor through slitted eyes and examining his face, his lips all swollen from what he'd been doing and a string of precum right on the middle of his bottom lip and that just made it all come faster, made his vision blurry and made his back arch and he heard Taylor gasp, somewhere in the middle of being able to hear nothing at all.

He'd never had an orgasm that had felt that good.

"Fuck," Zac moaned, rubbing his face until he regained his vision. Taylor was staring distractedly at the sperm that was dripping all over his hand and Zac thought it was adorable that he seemed so confused by it. "That was incredible, Tay. Thank you."

Taylor wiped his hand off on a tissue that he grabbed from the night stand and kissed his lips softly. "Don't thank me. It was my pleasure to watch you. You're very sexy." Taylor's tone made Zac want to laugh again, even though he held it in. He sounded like a school professor, not a lover.

"And you're amazing," Zac mumbled, pulling Taylor down into his arms. "I wish I could return the favour."

"It's not important," Taylor whispered back. "Just... talk to me? Hold me?"

Zac nodded and kissed his hair. "I'm so glad I have you," he whispered against the top of Taylor's head. "And I really hope you don't change your mind in the morning."

It didn't take long for Taylor to be lulled to sleep by Zac's words. He kept him arms around him, clutching tight, and Zac fell asleep, too, after a while. For once, Taylor dreamed of good things, of Zac in his arms and inside of him and in his dreams he didn't mind; he loved it, in fact.

Tags: fanfic is banned on, fic: fuck-up, hanfic, hanson, homosexuality - now with more baking, sometimes i write fic, with kate, writing, zaylor zaylor zaylor
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